splat goes the bombshell

I'm unfortunately having one of those weeks that scream for pitching a fit.....aka lying on my pristine(haha with these dogs and that beaux)kitchen floor with wailin an nashin of the teeth. I'm just about tempted to actually follow through and pitch one instead of just havin my fantasy if only to shock the beaux into SPEAKING(incessantly whinin, nagging, makin me want to fill my ears with red Georgia clay.....mostly cause then I'd be in Georgia instead of the state of which we will not name) of any other subject then this upcoming catastrophe....sorry......move. unfortunately if I did PAF he'd probably just take away the wine(vodka) and Valium(im totally joking.....maybe). The horror the horror! So needless to say for the safety of myself and those around me I will be continually self medicating. Trust me you don't want to be the early bird seeking senior citizen who has the misfortune of being the one to ask for a "quiet booth, close to the bathroom but not in the kitchen or under a vent" just one to many times.


When I was talking(whinin) with my good friend Juicy Girl(her addiction to the juicy couture rivals mine) we realized that women in relationships have a pretty good stress indicater system......SIS if you will.

SIS goes something like this.

1. Outward sign of upset-id-ness happens. Ex minor facial spasams, angry twitch, pursing of lips.

2. Snarky comments and The Look are forthcoming.

3. The fightin words come out. May include ultimatums and or threats.

4. At this point if nobody(us) won the last round now we are "done with y'alls fool asses" as a good friend puts it.

Next comes the remedy

1. A coke, some chocolate, and the latest edition of vogue will do Wonders.

2. Now we are in need of all the above, add ice cream and a good friend.

3. At this point we are callin on the big guns. Cupcake vodka(I'm a Stoli convert) and a Capri ciggy, I know its wrong but there is nothing so calming as a sip a drag and a flick. I know at least a few of you gals know the satisfaction I'm talking about. Something about being able to diminish that long smoky column of ash down to a nub with the tap of the finger is strangely comforting during man trouble.

4. If-in after all the above an acceptable apology has yet to be forthcoming then you know the time has come for the biggest gun of all. Its time to call mama. Nothing like the offer(threat)of going home to lick your wounds(admit relationship failure) will convince you to pull up your big girl britches and figure(fake, make-up, otherwise concoct)a solution.


Vodka, ciggies, men and mamas.........everything in moderation ladies!(did I leave out chocolate? Well we all need a vice"

splat goes the bombshell

just another magic........or is it manic.......Monday

If I could change one thing

As I was driving home from grocery shopping the other day (thinking of course how in the heck did I manage to spend that much and only leave the store with four bags)it occurred to me that it's getting colder. A lot colder up north especially and while so many of us are worried about keeping our homes and making our bills, giving kids a decent Christmas and all that entails there are people with no homes. Living with no warmth or even a shelter let alone presents and holiday joy. It is so easy to get caught up in our worries and concerns and so easy to forget about all of those around us who don't have even the basics. While I might not have much I surely have more than enough when I think about it this way. I have a home, food, and I am able to care for and feed my pet. On the way out of the store there was a man with a sign "will work for food". I have seen him and a few others living in the woods behind the supermarket and I usually drive on my way. That day I had gotten back a five dollar bill in my change and I gave it to him. I did have some initial hesitation and even some remorse over it thinking that he might use it for liquor or something like that. Then I thought heck he can use it for whatever it wants if it makes his life a bit more bearable. The following day at work I gave three drinks to a gentleman who was performing outside at the shopping complex I work in. He said thank you and went back out to sing. At the end of my shift he came back in and shook my hand with a folded five dollar bill in it. I'm thinking that was a sign.

If I ever come into a whole mess of money I have a plan. I'm going to buy a huge plot of land and hire or brow beat a bunch of contractors and people who "build things" into employment. Then I'm going to go and find all the people in shelters and on the sides of the roads with those "will work for food" signs and I'm going to team them up with the people who "build things" to make second chance communities. Show them how to build, then how to farm/garden. Just give them a chance and somewhere clean to live. Now I'm not saying it'll be all hunky dory because if they don't keep up their homes or if they slack off then they can head right on back out where they came from. However I am betting that a lot of them would be hard workers and willing to take advantage of their second chance. There might be plans to start a huge animal shelter and offer training to work with animals..therapy pets maybe? That's still in the back of my mind somewhere but I'm positive it could work. I think anything could work if we all were just a bit more compassionate and kind. If we just gave each other a chance.

All those millionaire/billionaires out there here's your chance to make your mark. I can only pray that one of you read this random blog post and take my idea and run with it. I promise you would still have enough left to buy that new Lexus/Mercedes/Ferrari. Just think of all the lives it would change for the better.

I will be a happy girl...I will be a happy girl....I will.....

I must say that the old lady did not look thrilled with going into her kennel cab this morning. I myself would take the invitation to sleep in a comfy bed with a blanket all day and run..but it's different when it's not by choice. I will have to make it up to her with treats.

I have decided in an effort to not be so irritated all the time(I do irritated really well)I'm gong to make a decision to be happy. When people irritate me and want to get a reaction out of me I'm simply going to smile and act happy/dumb. I've found that it confuses them and allows me to go to the happy white sale in my head.

I've become obsessed with finding perfect home goods of late. My desire for a sofa is out of control. I dream of sofas. I also have to get all my seasonal yard changes underway. My goals for the week.

1. Change to poinsettias in front door pots.
2. Plant mums
3. Clean out kitchen nook of all ebay paraphernalia.
4. Figure out a place to keep all ebay paraphernalia.
5. Find a new car(this is super important but I have been shopping for a new car off and on for the last three years and if I never see another auto trader again I will be just fine)
6. FIND A SOFA
7. Find a front room tv, nothing huge just a place other than the bedroom(where the tv the beau must control at all times lives)that I can watch my new addictive tv shows at ALONE!(explaining chick shows is no way to enjoy my free time)

God save Naples FL

When I think back of all the places that I lived growing up, and it twas quite a few I realize that nowhere I lived contained as many rude, selfish, ignorant people as Naples FL. It's like when you move here you have to take asshole 101 before you can switch your license over.

I was walking from my car into the library earlier today and this is what I witnessed.

Camry backs out of spot, red truck has sat patiently waiting for this to happen for the full five minuets I was there hauling my stuff out of my car. Then a Cadillac pulls up, red truck being nice b/c he knows he's going to have to back up and do some maneuvering stays still while Cadillac pulls right around him and into the spot. I mean this guy in the truck was waiting for this spot with his blinker on for over five minuets, parking lot rules say that was so his spot! So as the caddy is pulling in the spot the truck guy is honking and putting his hands up like wtf and caddy man doesn't even look back. At this point the guy in the truck hauls out of there in disgust(I imagine...I would be disgusted)and so because I have a huge mouth and can't help myself I wait for the guy in the caddy to get out. Then because it's been a heck of a day and I cut my last thread to sanity a good hour and a half before this I say...."umm so you know that guy you just cut out of that parking spot was waiting for it for a while before you got here right?" and the old guy says "what?"(of course it's an old guy who can't hear...they should instigate involuntary driving tests over age sixty five)so I repeat myself and he says "so he should have pulled in, what did I do wrong?" with attitude. I then said in my super rude if my gran gran knew she's wash my mouth out with soap voice...Oh my sir, I'm so sorry, I forgot I'm in Naples where people have no manners and are rude to everyone just because they can be. My bad. God forbid anyone follow the rules and have manners.

It's just like at work. I'll be at work and someone will show up thirty minuets late for a reservation with not so much as a phone call saying they are running behind. So they get there and there is no table because hey you picked the time Chickie so it's not like it was a surprise and for that matter you could have picked up the phone and said hey I'm running behind can you hold my table. So I say in my super sweet forced by management voice. I do apologize(excuse me while I get the vapors)however we did have your table reserved at six and it's now six forty five so I'd be glad to put you at the top of the wait list but it is going to be just a bit. Then the " BUT I HAVE A RESERVATION" starts and the Oh you don't know who your messing with....we come here all the time.....we'll see how long you work here crap. They somehow miss the fact that they are late for a reservation they themselves made and that if it was so important for them to sit immediately upon entering the building they should have perhaps showed up on time...or gasp lower themselves to calling and admitting their oopsy.

But oh yes, once again I forgot....I'm in Naples and it's mandatory that everyone be a super-jerk.

Just to send some good thoughts out there.

I have often wondered what it would be like if everyone was just a bit nicer. Just let that one car in front of you on the road. Just hold the door open that extra bit for the person behind you. Let the person with just one thing go check out in front of you in line at the supermarket. Offer to help the elderly lady with the arms full of stuff. Help the bus boy out at the restaurant and keep your table clean. Just make a daily effort not to be a jerk and to do something nice. Even when you are busy and have a lot going on. You never know what little thing you might do that might make a world of difference to someone. I will never ever forget how much the guys at the tire place helped me out when I got that flat in the rain, with no AAA and between paychecks.

However in my never ending attempts to be just a bit kinder I have noticed something, thank you's have gone by the wayside. At some point people decided that saying thank you for a kindness was simply not necessary. Perhaps that's why so few people do nice things these days.

I have had enough of horrid manners, I am so done with them I can't even put it into words.

Umm hey there I just held the door open for you and your in-laws and your five screaming children while you pushed the sixth through the door in a stroller and you can't spare me so much as a thanks? If not because you want to show your kids how they ought to be acting then because you feel some form of gratitude.

But alas no, that would be the unthinkable. So I've started to fight back....with kindness. I held the door open for a lady yesterday who breezed through with out a look back so I simply said oh hi there I do believe you dropped something and of course she said what...the answer was staring me in the face.....I believe you've dropped your manners. The brief moment of confusion passed across her features and I could see the thoughts at war inside her head
Why is this strange girl talking to me...
What could I have possibly done wrong...

Then before she could continue her jedi mind war I said in the sweetest tone I know...I was just under the impression when someone does you a favor, such as holding a door open for you the proper response is thank you, but maybe I'm mistaken. You have a good afternoon now ya hear?

I know that one is not supposed to question your elders but when the elders act like toddlers but with out the joyous heart something must be done. So I think I'm going to start calling people on it. At work I can only get away with the sly "your welcome" when no thank-you is forthcoming because that's almost an automatic response for people but out it in every day life....Watch out people best pull your best manners up!